Full.

Today is the first day of the new year and the last day of my maternity leave.  My heart has been all kinds of anxious and fluttery today. I spent the day picking outfits for the week, making lunches, writing lesson plans, cleaning up the house, and removing Christmas decor clearing a way for the new normal thats about to start tomorrow, sprinkled with playing Mario Kart on our new Game Cube and of course being a mommy.

The precious time spent in the hospital room as we began our first days together as a family of three feels like a lifetime ago. Those were some of my favorite days of my life; Cody, myself and our adorable new little nestled away from the outside world, only visited by family and friends, 100% taken care of and loved.

I am a different person than I was seven or so weeks ago.  I left school, all those days ago my figure round and full with the new life about to be born and work bag empty of responsibility (even of my laptop and emails!) I have spent the last weeks completely unburdened by anything other than learning to be a mother and I have cherished this time.  The days were spent learning to breastfeed, snuggling, calming my crying babe, playing games, deepening old friendships and starting new ones, hanging out with family (especially with my own mother during weekly visits to help me transition into my new role), enjoying the holidays, and staring memorized into the face of my child; taking first steps into this new role called motherhood.

Now, tomorrow, I head back into school, another step in developing my new normal. This time my belly is no longer round and full of the life that was once there and instead my school bag is loaded with fresh lessons and materials for the days of teaching ahead. My little one won’t be coming tomorrow with me and my heart weeps every-time at the thought. However, as I enter school, though my body is no longer physically full with my child, my heart certainly is.

Full of memories of his first days spent together.

Full of his expressions and the way his arms and legs never stop moving.

Full of baby snuggles in lazy afternoons by the Christmas tree.

Full of his big blue eyes and the o shape he makes with his mouth.

Full of adorable baby clothes, soft skin and his rich, sweet scent.

Full of sleep deprivation, baby cries and diapers.

Full of tiny toes and long fingers.

Full with the way he attacks my breast like a shark and clenches tiny fists while he nurses.

Full of his recent coos and smiles.

Full with watching my husband become a dad.

Full of the excitement and joy of a life together with my baby boy.

I am totally different than who I was seven weeks ago and my life is totally different.  Tomorrow will be hard in ways I can’t even fathom today. Tomorrow will be difficult and sad and new, but it will also be wonderful and joyous and new, my heart more full of love as we discover normal life with this little guy a part of it!