A Raw Mama Moment

Today is the first day I send Broden to daycare without a bottle of mama’s milk. I don’t know entirely why this happened but my milk supply is waning and there is little left. I’ve felt inadequate and angry and disappointed as I’ve watch my production slip from 3 bottles a day to 2 to 1 and now to none. Broden’s seems to hate breastfeeding and today I relinquish that expectation.

Going into motherhood I thought breastfeeding was just easy. How could mothers not do it? I silently judged. It seems to be another area (like C-sections and inductions) I’m humbled by. It was so much harder than I could’ve imagined. Fighting to get Broden to latch, watching little or no milk fill/not fill bottles after pumping sessions at work, feeling both fruitless and failure while “wasting” precious planning time at school.

Tomorrow I grieve the fact that I no longer send a piece of mama with Broden, a piece of my provision, a piece of me caring for my baby from afar, being his mama while I care for other people’s babies, a piece of me as I work and he goes to daycare (another thing I silently judged) and I learn again that motherhood is more, less, harder, better, different than expected.

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